This is me sharing.
TW: themes and discussion of sexual assault accounts and topic
The news of Jane Doe from Cornell is nothing but devastating yet an all too familiar and unsurprising story for most women, and personally, as a lesbian woman who has experienced sexual violence from countless men since the age of 5 years old, it would be out of character for myself to not take a moment to pause during the launch of a new chapter of my life with Salon Avec Moi to honor and acknowledge my past and the stories of people in the arts I have been told in passing, through the grapevine, and through headlines that somehow made its way through because victims decided to be brave when they never should have needed to be in the first place.
Sexual violence from men in the classical arts is a problem and we don’t talk about it enough. We hear of it in hushed tones, if not at all, while the men get to climb, and climb, and climb, all the way to the top of a riveting career, and God, I am so tired of those men climbing. I am tired of seeing those men in director and conductor slots while the women they have brutalized get black-listed or become people-pleasing shells of themselves in fear of being black-listed to never be able to get hired and accomplish the one dream that they always wanted and deserve to accomplish in their lifetime. I am tired of seeing a man celebrated in his Rolex presented world opera competition when he really should be hiding in a hole for the rest of his eternity, lucky that anyone lets him share the same air. I am tired of a multi-million dollar settlement being paid out to a pedophile and incompetent management dooming one of my favorite opera houses and safe spaces in the city. I am so. fucking. tired. And angry. And pissed on behalf of this art form and its artists, and really, my rage and dissatisfaction with how myself and others have been treated in this industry is one of the main reasons why I created Salon Avec Moi in the first place.
I do not wield the kind of power to take it all away and make it better with one swoop as I deeply wish I could, but I do know the more we allow ourselves to talk about it, the more power we gain. So here is me sharing.
I remember the first time I was groped by a man because of my singing. Senior year of high school, holding a pose with a classmate’s grandpa just for him to rest his hand directly on my 17-year-old ass. Fast forward to my time at Tulsa Opera and a donor with a couple drinks in once again rests his hand and grabs my now 22-year-old ass right in front of everyone including his wife. No one notices, and so that’s what I tell myself, even though there was staff right in front of me in close proximity.
This is light compared to the stories I have heard of fellow women colleagues–women being cornered and raped in their very own private principal dressing rooms at opera companies by the director, women drugged and raped at opening night parties or tours by their own colleagues as we had seen in 2024 with the New York Philharmonic, directors promising young women roles, accolades, and a spot on the agency roster over professional drinks just for him to shove his thumb inside their mouth and asked to suck. That last one I’ll admit, an ode to Bernard Uzan for he tried to run my self confidence down the drain as an already insecure and imposter syndrome ridden 21-year-old in a resident artist program while dangling Christine Daaé in the Phantom of the Opera tour, so I clearly would go to him desperate for his approval and it didn’t fucking work, you fucking bastard. Should I be putting that in writing here? Probably not. But fuck it.
The one thing I certainly know about all of these men is that they are all fucking losers and man, I’m sorry about all the “fucks” but it is just bound to happen when writing about scum of the earth. They have to make you feel small so their small egos (and unresolved mommy and daddy issues let’s be honest) can feel..how big??? THIS BIG ***said in a parent babied voice*** What, you didn’t learn that achieving and achieving and achieving might just bring you closer to the validation you were always wanting instead of proper emotional connection and care from your most loved ones like the rest of us? Give me a fucking break. The only way you can actually get any is if you literally force yourself on someone? Crawl back into the basement where you belong you creature from the lagoon!
I know this violence is held with us forever. I know it tarnishes the things you once loved and turns you away from yourself to not be able to believe that you are good and pure and deserving of that good and pureness right back to you from everyone and everything you encounter whether it be in your career, your family, your friendships, and your romances. I know the mental toll will and probably has taken a toll on your nervous system and your health, but I in good conscience cannot let us continue down this path without trying to ignite some fire in us.
I know joking and calling them creatures from the lagoon won’t make it better, but I do think that the thing called power I mentioned is given back to us inch by inch when we are bluntly truthful about exactly who we are and what we deserve out of this world in comparison to these people. And I’ll tell you if no one has ever told you yet, you are so much more worthy and better than these people. They need you to feel small, scared, weak, powerless, and fragile so you don’t continue to take up the space you deserve while they siphon off your light and talent like the damn dolls in Trolls Band Together (yes this is me coming out as a Trolls lover I am not ashamed), because when you show up and challenge them, you reveal their incompetence and their ego and as we know, this industry is riddled with men who are incompetent and have an ego. When you show up and speak out they can lose everything and GOD I hope they do. They are the small ones and truthfully I have spent way too much time with losers in my past to let them believe they are stronger and more powerful than me and my fellow colleagues.
Have you ever dated someone and post breakup to your friends have gone, “oh my god...was I dating a loser this entire time?” and they all echo a resounding yes, glad you finally made it here. It is overdue to get there my friends! Power to the people, baby! THEY are the ones who should be fearful and the boards and leadership of these institutions should be fearful as well if they don’t do the right thing. They SHOULD be worried if justice isn’t found, that we are not scared to air it out in a public forum and that we will make their lives a living hell and will come for their positions.
It’s hard to face your abusers, but it's even more difficult to continue to make yourself small because of the violence they decided to commit one day. Please tell your story. It doesn’t have to be to a media outlet, it doesn’t have to be to a leader, it doesn’t have to be to anyone but who you want to share it with, but please share it. Please confide in someone about it, because when we talk about it we gain another piece of armor we have momentarily lost. We are meant for so much more than that for ourselves. If you get anything from this, let it be the message to stop swallowing yourself whole and start instilling the belief that you will always hold more power than these people.
Take care of yourself and never forget you are stronger than you think.
